Santa NNY
by Joltz1
Summary: Johnny gets out of the house and goes to the mall... During the Christmas season...


A/N: This was written on a snow day! Aren't you glad you know that? Anyway, I don't own Johnny The Homicidal Maniac, SQUEE!, or I Feel Sick. They belong to the super-amazing Jhonen Vasquez and Slave Labor Graphics. The characters here aren't exactly in character, nor are they meant to be. And yes, that satanic boy is Pepito. Now that you're done reading the disclaimer, read the story and flame away! -Joltz  
  
NNY mindlessly stared at the television in his darkly lit living room. He was sprawled out on the couch with one arm hanging off the side, eating barbeque Pringles. Crumbs fell to the floor. He felt rather tired lately, and the slew of toy commercials and froofy "family programming" wasn't helping him resist sleep. The only thing really keeping him awake was the bitter cold that had sneaked up on him.  
  
"Having fun?" The voice of Reverend MEAT interrupted his thoughts. He glanced to the wooden workbench in the corner, where the creepy burger boy stared at him. Johnny could barely make out its sharp-toothed grin. He then went back to his TV, trying to ignore it, but MEAT persisted.  
  
"You know, Johnny, you haven't been out of the house in sometime. If you're not going to sleep, why don't you go out? A lot has changed in the past 10 days. Do you know what's going on out there?" Again, Johnny ignored the voice, but a look of annoyance crossed his face. "It's Christmas time, Johnny. People are out there pouring their hearts out to help others. Brings a tear to the eye."  
  
"Shutup," NNY mumbled. He reached for the remote so as to turn the TV up, but hesitated.  
  
"This holiday really has an interesting affect on people. It's deathly cold outside. They should be hibernating, but they're not. They're busy trying to spread holiday cheer. There are so many opportunities."  
  
"Hibernating?" Johnny blinked. "Now that you mention it, I haven't seen Mr. Samsa for sometime. Do insects hibernate?"  
  
"Never mind that. Aren't you cold?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You are a terrible liar. Really, Johnny, the cold is only going to get worse. If you do not do something about it, you will die. That's not too productive, is it?"  
  
"I want to be cold."  
  
"'Want.' There's that word again." Johnny shot a dark look at the burger boy. "Johnny, you really should-"  
  
"I'll leave!" He stood up and brushed himself off. "But only to get away from you!" Reverend MEAT snickered as Johnny slammed the door on his way out.  
  
"God, it's even colder out here," Johnny thought to himself. "I've been wearing these same clothes for some time now. Maybe a coat. Yeah, a coat would be nice." He looked around, squinting. The sky was a deep gray and things in the distance appeared hazy and unidentifiable. The residential area seemed pretty empty. The car was gone from Squee's driveway, which meant he wasn't home. The kid could have lent him a coat.  
  
*************  
  
NNY wandered into town, trying hard not to shiver. The place was crowded! Cars were parked all along the streets, groups of people in winter garb marched along the sidewalks, and men in Santa suits were ringing irritating bells on every corner. Johnny certainly had no intention of going to such crowded shops. Suddenly, he felt nervous and timid.  
  
NNY's walk continued until he arrived at. the mall. It was more over- packed than it had ever been. Johnny recalled going to it before, a long, long time ago. There were many clothes shops inside that he knew of.  
  
He sauntered up to the main entrance and stood for a few minutes. Piles of humans were squeezing in and out of the door. It was all too frightening. Just as Johnny was about to turn and go home, a mass of hungry shoppers shoved him inside. He spun around, terrified. They were everywhere, making so much noise. Suddenly he felt paranoid and wished he'd never left the house.  
  
He ran down the mall corridor and into the next. Dozens of whining children were lined up in the center, waiting to sit in Santa's lap and demand toys they didn't deserve. Johnny snorted. "Pervert."  
  
He ceased running when he realized a clothes store was to his left. "The Gap," he read out loud. He really wanted to go home, but since there was a store right there. He'd be in and out in a minute.  
  
It was worse than he imagined. Hanging from the walls were several hideous sweaters in pale colors. Khakis and flares were everywhere. Worst of all, the store was filled with giggling, idiotic cheerleaders. NNY's eyes darted back and forth. No, no, no. THERE! A black hooded sweatshirt. Simple, but perfect. He continued over to the hanging sweatshirt and slipped one on. It was baggy and hung off his noodle-thin frame. No problem, NNY thought. I can do some alterations at home.  
  
Now on to the cash register. He turned to go pay for, but abruptly stopped when he bumped into a cheerleader.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry sir!" The cheerleader said apologetically. She smiled in a disturbing manner, dressed in the typical high school cheerleader uniform. On her head was a hideous set of felt reindeer horns. NNY's eyes widened with pure terror.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Johnny shoved the mutated cheerleader down and leaped over her, running to the exit.  
  
"Sir! You forgot to pay for that!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Just then, mall security from the Santa Claus stand arrived in the store. "SHIT!" Johnny cried. He pushed between the two security guards. "THEY KNOW!" Johnny slid around the fence surrounding the Santa area, then jumped over it and went into the backdoor of Santa's workshop.  
  
Wait, that was stupid. Those people must've seen me! NNY thought. He kneeled down and began rummaging through his pockets. Damn, should've brought my backpack, he scolded himself. He had no weapons of any sort with him. It was an unfortunate situation.  
  
Just then, the front door of the tiny wooden workshop opened. NNY cringed as he watched the fat old man in a Santa suit enter. He looked at Johnny, and then proceeded to taking his Santa suit off (don't worry, he has clothes on underneath!).  
  
"You the new guy?" he asked in a gruff voice.  
  
"Um."  
  
"You shoulda been here an hour ago, man! There are dozens of kids lined up out there! I need a break bad. Get to work, ya bum!" With that, the man went out the back door. NNY just stared at the Santa suit hanging on hooks on the wall.  
  
"Those security guards sure are taking their time." He thought. He rubbed his chin for a moment, then tore the fuzzy red suit from the wall and begrudgingly put it on. The belt buckle had to be wrapped around him three times to keep the oversized pants from falling down, but he finally got it to stay. Finally, he donned the Santa hat and false beard. With a deep breath, he stepped out of the workshop.  
  
Mothers and fathers stood with their screaming children while someone in an elf suit tried to hold them off. Children cheered as Santa NNY marched out and sat in the big throne prepared for him. It's worse than I imagined, NNY thought.  
  
The Elf Man motioned for the first kid in line to move up. It was a small girl in a tiny velvet dress carrying a piece of paper. She bounced up to the chair and leaped into NNY's lap.  
  
"Hiya, Santa!" She said and gave NNY a hug. NNY fidgeted in annoyance. "My name's Jenny!"  
  
"That's nice. I don't care."  
  
"You look much fatter on TV. Did you lose weight?" the girl asked innocently.  
  
"Slim fast," he muttered, with a slight grin.  
  
"Well, look, I made this list of all the things I want for Christmas! I want a Mermaid Barbie and a Powerpuff Girls doll and a talking Pikachu and a Snow White movie and a beanie baby and another beanie baby and-"  
  
"Dear god! What is wrong with you?!"  
  
".And a Britney Spears record."  
  
"My patience is growing thin." NNY began to click his long boots on the floor. The elf noticed this and removed the child, still yammering on about her list, oblivious.  
  
"NEXT!" The Elf Man called.  
  
Another small child was then placed in Johnny's lap. Its skin was a sickly greenish color; it had little hair, was wearing all black, and had to horns protruding from the top of its head. "Hello, Santa." He said calmly.  
  
"Uh. Hello, little boy." NNY was now recalling all the Christmas specials he had watched. "What would you like for Christmas?"  
  
"That wretched name. Santa, last year I did not receive the Dragon Ball Z action figure you told me you would get me. That was a bad idea. If I do not receive the action figure this year, I will tell my father on you."  
  
"Okay. And what's your father going to do about it, kid?" NNY scoffed.  
  
"He will damn your soul to Hell. And don't act like you do not remember my name. You shall regret it." With that, the satanic child left. NNY couldn't help but feel uneasy.  
  
"SAAAAAANTA!"  
  
"OOF!" The next "child" leaped into Johnny's lap. It was a girl with medium-toned skin and black hair. She appeared to be almost the same age as Johnny. She wore green excessively and held a small skeleton doll with a tiny, homemade Santa cap in her right hand.  
  
"I missed you!" the girl exclaimed. She then squeaked the little skeleton. "Spooky missed you too."  
  
"Aren't you a little old for this? You're too heavy. Get off."  
  
The girl looked offended, then puffed up with rage. "I'm not heavy! How dare you!" She proceeded to beat Johnny over the head with the squeaky skeleton. "Take it back!" A confused look crossed Johnny's face. He yanked the doll from her hands and then hit her back with it "HEY!"  
  
"How do you like it?! HUH?!"  
  
"Let go of Spooky!"  
  
"No!"  
  
The two pulled back and forth on the little skeleton when the Elf Man came over. He picked up Tenna and carried her off, while she kicked and struggled. NNY hurled Spooky at her as she was pulled away.  
  
"Wait! SANTA! BRING ME A FLYING PONY THIS YEAR!" she yelled. "AND SPOOKY WANTS A BOW TIE!"  
  
"NEXT!"  
  
"I swear. The next kid gets it!" Johnny growled, not loud enough for others to hear. His expression brightened though when the Elf Man placed a familiar face in his lap.  
  
"Um. Hi, Santa." the boy said shyly.  
  
"Squee! It's me!"  
  
Todd's face blackened and his eyes bulged upon hearing the voice of the skinny Santa. He just stared at him. His lip quivered.  
  
"Too bad you had to come here, eh? This holiday is certainly dreadful. I think I'll have to leave soon before I'm forced to kill somebody."  
  
"MOMMY! IT'S THE CRAZY NEIGHBOR MAN!" Todd cried. He looked around. "Mommy?. Daddy?"  
  
"Did your parents abandon you again? Those bastards. I could hurt them, if you'd like."  
  
"No! No! They're fine. Um. I'll be going now." Todd nervously stepped down and backed away.  
  
"See you later, Squee!" Johnny said with a smile. He then stood and pulled the hat and beard off. Children gasped and a few broke out crying. "Enough of this. Why the fuck did I come here again?."  
  
"HEY! THERE HE IS!"  
  
NNY whipped around and saw the two security guards coming up the corridor again. "Dammit!" He jumped off the workshop display and over the fence then ran like mad, nearly knocking Todd over. "MERRY CHRISTMAS, SQUEE!"  
  
*************  
  
Johnny slammed the door of his filthy house, then leaned back on the door and hyperventilated.  
  
"What happened to you?" Reverend MEAT asked. He was now sitting on an end table on one edge of the couch, by the front door.  
  
"Security guards.Mutated.Cheerleaders!" he babbled between breaths.  
  
"Well that sounds. interesting. May I ask what brought them on? Did you kill someone again?"  
  
"No.I was buying a." He paused. "GODDAMMIT! I LEFT MY SWEATSHIRT IN SANTA'S WORKSHOP!"  
  
"Sounds like you discovered narcotics." MEAT said with a bit of fear in his voice.  
  
"Drugs?! Hell no! I. was." The TV distracted Johnny. "Oooooh. Frosty the Snowman." He sat down on the couch and picked up the Pringles tin lying on the floor.  
  
Moral: The Gap is the spawn of Senor Diablo. 


End file.
